Red and Blue vs White Season 1
by E. Wojo
Summary: rvb star wars xover
1. Episode 1

Disclaimer: I don't own star wars or red vs blue.

(This starts at about the end of episode 100 of red vs blue where Both the reds and blues watched as the ship that was leaving apparently blow up. What they didn't expect was for the explosion to cause a rift in the space-time continuum that would send them to a galaxy far far away.)

Red and Blue vs White

Season One

Episode 1

Donut woke up to the sounds of Sarge arguing with Grif and pointing his shotgun at him while Simmons 2.0 was watching them. "All right Grif. You have 3 chances to give me one good reason not blow your friggin head off." "Cause it wasn't my idea to blow up the ship." "Strike 1." "Cause deep down you really don't want to do that." "Strike 2." Suddenly Donut sat up and said "Cause those guys in the white armor are about to shoot us."

Everyone else turned to see what Donut was talking about. They saw a dozen or so people in white armor pointing weapons. "Grif, you've lucked out." "Really Sarge?" "Yeah cause I'm sure these guys are gonna kill you before I do." Sarge and the others did what they usually did when faced against overwhelming firepower.

They ran away like bitches screaming all sorts of cuss words.

Finally they managed to take cover in a vacant room and shooting back at the enemy.

"Sir I think we're in deep shit."

"Shut up Grif. Simmons, since Donut just woke up appraise him of our situation."

"Simmons, what does Sarge mean by that?"

"He means that I should tell you what's been going on. Well when the ship exploded it blasted all of us to some strange place and of course Sarge blamed Grif and then those white armored guys showed and we ran away and ended up here in this vacant."

"Right and what happened to the blues?"

"How should I know?"

Donut sighed "I miss Caboose."

Sarge looked at the ceiling "I bet the blues aren't having this much shit happened to them."

To be Continued

Preview of next episode

"Hey look Church it's Bigfoot."

"Growl"

"HOLY CRAP!!!"


	2. Episode 2

Disclaimer: I don't own star wars or red vs blue.

Red and Blue vs White

Season One

Episode 2

Church was not having a good day. First his ex-girlfriend Tex let's herself get possessed by O'Malley, then that asshole Sarge blew the ship instead of disabling it, and finally said explosion sending them to some strange place. Church looked around and said "How could this day get any worse?" It got worse with Caboose saying these words.

"Hey look Church it's Bigfoot."

"Growl"

"HOLY CRAP!!!"

The other blues pointed their weapons at the large hairy creature. Well Church, Tucker, and Sister did. Doc couldn't cause all he had was his medical device also he wouldn't because he was a pacifist.

"What the hell is that thing?" Tucker asked keeping his gun trained on it.

"It's Bigfoot, I'm telling you." Caboose said getting in between everyone.

"It's not Bigfoot Caboose. It doesn't even remotely look like a monster truck." Sister said.

"Yeah! Wait, what?" Doc asked.

"What is that thing?" Church asked.

"I don't know but keep it away from me. I don't want to be preganant again." Tucker said hiding behind Doc.

"First of all he's not your type and second who the hell are you people?" A man with scruffy brown hair and wearing white armor asked them while pointing a gun at them.

"Well I'm Caboose and that is Sister and those two are Doc and Tucker and finally my best friend Church who is also the mean one."

"Thanks a lot Caboose also I'm not your best friend so shut up about it." Church said.

"Well, I'm Han and that's Chewie and I'm guessing you guys aren't imps."

"No we're human." Doc said.

"Except for Church. He's a ghost possessing a robot." Tucker said

Han shook his head and said "No what I meant was... wait what?!"

Church placed his hand over his visor. "I bet the reds don't have to deal with this bullshit."

Suddenly the elevator doors and more white armored guys appeared shooting at Han, Chewie, and the blues.

"SON OF A BITCH!!!" yelled all the blues.

"I forgot about those guys." Han said as he and Chewie ran down a corridor.

"Running time!" Caboose said as he followed them.

"For once, Caboose had the right idea." Church said as he and the other blues ran after him.

To be continued

Preview of next episode

Church turned towards the princess and said "I'm not followng you. Following you ended up with us landing in garbage,me getting shot, blondie there almost getting eaten and all of us almost ending as a pancake jamboree."


	3. Episode 3

Disclaimer: I don't own star wars or red vs blue.

Red and Blue vs White

Season One

Episode 3

The blues ran down the corridor till they reached where Han and Chewie were there was also a young man with blond hair and a young woman with what appeared...

"Does that girl have cinnamon buns for hair?" Doc asked.

"Not now Doc." Church said as he returned fire at the stormtroopers.

"Wonder if the carpet matches the drapes. Bow chicka bow wow."

"Not now Tucker." Church yelled.

"Sorry folks there's no way out from back." Han said

"Who the hell are they?" the blonde asked.

"Well I'm Caboose and he's.."

"NOT NOW CABOOSE!" Church yelled.

Suddenly the woman grabbed a blaster and blasted a hole in the wall. "Get in everyone." she yelled as she jumped in.

Church looked at the hole and said "You heard her."

"But Church it smells worse than the bathroom after Tucker's been in there a long time." Caboose said.

"What was that?" Tucker said just before Church pushed him into the hole.

Soon everyone went except for Church. He jumped in feet first and landed in garbage. A second later he got shot and his robot body fell down into the garbage.

"Damnit!" he said as he turned towards everyone else "Who did it?"

Everyone pointed at Han who said "You really were a ghost inside a robot body."

"Yeah and now I have to repossess it again you cockbite." Church said before he possessed his body again. "Great now I'm gonna smell like garbage."

Suddenly the blond jerked around said "Something just brushed past my leg."

"All long as it didn't look like a Baby Ruth bar you should be fine." Tucker said.

"Baby Ruth bar?" Caboose asked.

"I'll tell you later. Maybe." Tucker said.

"There's something alive in here." Blondie said just before he was pulled under.

Han and the girl started sceaming "Luke." Then the blues except for Church started screaming till Caboose realized something

"Who is Luke?"

"I'm guessing he's the guy who just went under." Tucker said.

Suddenly Luke resurfaced and Church ordered Caboose to grab him.

"What the hell just happened?" Tucker asked.

"Something grabbed me and then suddenly let me go." Luke said just as a loud noise happened and suddenly the walls began closing in.

"That's not good." Tucker said.

Everyone stated trying to push the walls back while the blond guy Luke was talking into what looked like a small radio.

After a few minutes the walls stopped and everyone who wasn't a blue started laughing.

"Man I want what they're smoking." Tucker said as the door opened and they all piled out.

"Next time lady if you think up of a escape plan made that it doesn't involve several life-threatening situations. Church said.

"You better be careful with her pal, she's a princess." Han said.

"There is no way that she is a princess." Sister said

"Yeah she doesn't have long blond hair." Caboose said

"Nor a sunny disposition." Said Doc.

"Or really big breasts." Tucker said.

"All of you shut the fuck up." Church shouted.

"I don't know who you are or where you came but from now on you all follow me understand." The princess said.

Church turned towards the princess and said "I'm not followng you. Following you ended up with us landing in garbage,me getting shot, blondie there almost getting eaten and all of us almost ending as a pancake jamboree."

Tucker turned to Church and said "She's just like Tex. Except she's not as smart or psychotic. Definitely the attitude though."

"You got that right. Tex's attitude combined with Caboose-like intellignce. Not a good combination." Church said ignoring the glare coming from the princess.

"Church, I think I lost my nose." Caboose said.

Everyone turn to see Caboose trying to pick his nose but was hitting his helmet.

To be continued

Preview of next episode

"Sarge this plan will never work." Griff said after hearing the plan.

"Sure it will. Simmons, Begin operation Human Hand Grenade."


	4. Episode 4

Disclaimer: I don't own star wars or red vs blue.

Red and Blue vs White

Season One

Episode 4

Suddenly a few stormtroopers found them and started shooting at them. Han and chewie started shooting back and charged at them screaming. Caboose and Sister ran after them doing he same thing.

"Where are they going? Doc asked.

"I don't know but knowing our luck we'll run into them again soon. Come on let's..." Church started saying when more stormtroopers showed up and started shooting at them.

"Jesus! Run!" Church yelled as they ran away.

Meanwhile with the reds it turns out that the vacant room was actually an armory.

"Sarge this plan will never work." Griff said after hearing the plan.

"Sure it will. Simmons, Begin operation Human Hand Grenade." Sarge said.

Griff was covered in adhesive tape and grenades. Why there was tape in a armory no one knows.

"Yes sir." Simmons said as he grabbed one of Griff's legs and started swinging him around and around until finally he let Griff go and he went flying towads the stormtroopers.

Suddenly the grenades fell off the tape and dropped towards the stormtroopers who all had one thought.

'Oh Fuck.'

Suddenly Han, Chewie, Caboose, and Sister showed up just in time to watch the stormtroopers blow up.

BOOM!

"Son of a bitch!"

"Son of a bitch!"

"Son of a bitch!"

"Growl Growl!"

Suddenly Sister noticed someone on the the ground.

"Hey there's my brother."

Meanwhile the other reds stared at the carnage.

"Well that plan backfired." Sarge sadly said

"How so sir?" Simmons asked

"Well not only is Griff not dead but now he has a bigger body count than me. It was bad enough with Doc but now Griff, this is truly depressing." Sarge said.

Meanwhile in another area 100 stormtroopers were getting ready for a shift change unbeknownst to them they were being watched by two weird figures. One was a small alien holding a metal ball. The other was larger and was dressed in black armor. "Fun Time." A woman's voice said.

To be continued

The return of Tex and Junior. Hoo Haa. And next episode Darth Vader is introduced to the insanity of Red vs Blue.

Preview of next episode

Tex Flipped on the intercom and said "I just killed 100 of your best troops with my bare hands. What do you think about that?"

Darth Vader normally would've threatened bodily harm to any other person. This time however he decided to say the first thing that came to his mind.

"What are you wearing?"


	5. Episode 5

Disclaimer: I don't own star wars or red vs blue.

Red and Blue vs White

Season One

Episode 5

Darth Vader was not having a good day. First of all he still didn't retrieve the Death Star plans. Second his old jedi master had snuck onto the station. Finally rebels had rescued the princess and were aided by soldiers in different colored armor.

Suddenly a comunication's officer ran up to him and said "Sir I have you need to hear."

Vader nodded and then the command room was filled with the sounds of grown men screaming and begging for mercy.

"HELP US! SOMETHING IS IN HERE KILLING US. MY GOD IT'S BEATING A MAN TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN SKULL."

Vader stared at the intercom and asked "Where is this coming from?"

"Section A Barracks."

Everyone looked shocked. Those barracks were being used by the 501st,. Vader's best troops. And now they were being killed lke womprats.

"OH GOD! NOW IT'S CHOKING ME WITH MY OWN SPINEL CORD. THIS CAN'T BE PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE!"

The transmission suddenly stopped and Vader looked at everyone in the room. Everyone in the room looked like they just shit themselves.

In the barracks dead bodies were everywhere and standing among them was of course Tex.

"I still got it." Tex said surveying the carnage

Another voice said something in a language that no one understood. The real shocker was that it came from a robotic head on the floor

"What did Lopez just say?" Tex asked.

"He said that half the stuff you did shouldn't have been possible." a different voice coming from the helmet said.

"Thanks a lot Andy. It was a good idea to remove you from the bomb to Lopez's empty A.I. slot."

"Tex, it appears someone is trying to call this room." A female voice said from inside of Tex's helmet.

"Thanks Sheila. Let's see how bad I can scare the idiot."

Tex flipped on the intercom and said "I just killed 100 of your best troops with my bare hands. What do you think about that?"

Darth Vader normally would've threatened bodily harm to any other person. This time however he decided to say the first thing that came to his mind.

"What are you wearing?"

If Tex was still human she would've had a weird look on her face. "Black armor. Why?"

"What about underneath it?"

"Are you hitting on me?"

"Maybe."

Tex noticed that she could hear the guy's breathing in the background.

"Are you touching yourself?" She asked getting grossed out.

"NO!"

"then why are you breathing so hard?"

"Cause I'm on a respirator."

Tex looked at the intercom before grabbing a blaster and shooting the intercom.

"Creepiest bastard i've ever talked to and that includes O'Malley." Tex said as she picked up Lopez's head. "Tex, I've located the blues and the reds. Their locations have been transferred to the mini-map on your visor."

"Thanks again Sheila. C'mon Junior, let's go find you retarded daddy and his retarded friends."

"Honk Honk HOOONNNKKK!"

Back with Vader he shook his head when he realised the apparent woman stopped talking to him.

"Lord Vader what was that about?" the communication officer asked before Vader force-choked him and killed him.

"What just hapened never happened. GOT IT!"

Everyone nodded as he left the room mumbling "Now I have to find Obi-wan. Killing jedi always makes me feel better."

To be continued

Preview of next episode

"Honk Honk"

"Junior you're alive" Tucker said as they hugged.

Suddenly Junior handed something to Tucker.

"My sword thanks son." Tucker said as he activated the sword.

"BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!!" Tucker shouted


	6. Episode 6

Disclaimer: I don't own star wars or red vs blue.

Red and Blue vs White

Season One

Episode 6

"I wish that fur rug would stop looking at me." Griff said as he and the other reds followed Caboose, Sister and their new friends. He didn't like the large furry thing at all. Every time it looked at him Griff felt fear of losing his arms and legs. Sarge liked him though which really didn't surprise Griff.

Griff got a smile on his when they met up with the other blues cause when they did Church walked up to Sarge and bashed him in the face.

"Ow! The front of my face." Sarge said holding his face in pain.

"That's for blowing up my girlfriend fucktard."

"If you two are done with your male bonding I sugest that we leave this place." a woman in white said.

"Who's she?" Simmons asked.

"She says she's a princess but none of us believe her." Tucker said

"Yeah you can tell. She doesn't have a crown." Griff said.

"Or wearing a pink frilly dress." Simmons said.

"And she smells like the bathroom after Griff's been in there for an hour." Donut said.

"Oh you are all gonna get it as soon as we are out of here." the Princess said.

"Then let's get out of here." a woman's voice said.

"We will Tex just give us...a...TEX!!" Church screamed as he rushed over to where Tex was and hugged her.

"Damnit Church let me go." Tex said as she accidentally dropped Lopez's head.

"Well looky here it's Lopez." Sarge said as he picked up Lopez.

Lopez said something in Spanish.

"What did he say?" Griff asked

"He said to put him down you damn dirty ape." Andy's voice said from Lopez's head.

"Andy! You're okay." Caboose said grabbing Lopez's head from Sarge.

"Honk Honk"

"Junior you're alive" Tucker said as they hugged.

Suddenly Junior handed something to Tucker.

"My sword thanks son." Tucker said as he actvated the sword.

"BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!!" Tucker shouted

Church smacked Tucker upside his head and said "Stop fooling around and let's get out of here."

Everyone ran towards Han's ship when Tex noticed a fight between an old man and a guy in black armor. She then recognized the armored man's voice and annoying breathing.

"That's the bastard who was hitting on me." Tex said getting Church's attention.

"We have no time for...What did you just say?" Church said in a angry voice.

To be continued

Preview of next episode

Church getting the feeling of Vader's body turned off the lightsaber and Tucker ran off after Caboose who was carrying the old man towards the ship. He then turned towards the stormtroopers staring at him and flipped them off.

"This is what happens when you hit on my girlfriend." Church said as he raised a fist up into the air and slammed it into Vader's crotch.


	7. Episode 7

Disclaimer: I don't own star wars or red vs blue.

Red and Blue vs White

Season One

Episode 7

"Okay that black-armored asshole hit on my girlfriend..." Church was saying

"Ex-girlfriend." Tucker interupted

"Whatever. Listen he hit on Tex, so now I'm gonna go over and kick his ass cause that's how I roll." Church said. He started walking towards Vader when Han suddenly grabbed his arm and said "Well here's how he rolls, he mystify you with his mumbo jumbo while in the process slicing you apart with his lightsaber."

"Okay. I have an idea guys..." Church was saying before Tucker interupted him again. "Oh man that means we'll have to do stuff." Church smacked Tucker upside his head and said "Shut up Tucker you won't have to do much. Now listen up Blues." All the blues huddled together and suddenly broke apart with Tucker and Caboose running towards the lightsaber duel.

As Vader was about to cut Obi-wan down his lightsaber was intercepted by a strange-looking lightsaber. It had two blades pointed in one direction and was being held by a someone in blue-green armor. Obi-wan meanwhile was being carried by someone in dark blue armor who for some reason was calling Obi-wan by the name of...

"We're almost out of here Santa. After we leave this place we'll take you back to the North Pole and you can get back to making toys. Speaking of which I've been a good boy despite my constant team-killing." Caboose was saying as he ran towards Han's ship.

Meanwhile Church removed hmself from his robot body which was being held by both Doc and Sister and he went and possessed Vader's body. The reds and the others looked on all thinking 'This plan won't work.'

Church getting the feeling of Vader's body turned off the lightsaber and Tucker ran off after Caboose who was carrying the old man towards the ship. He then turned towards he stormtroopers staring at him and flipped them off.

"This is what happens when you hit on my girlfriend." Church said as he raised a fist up into the air and slammed it into Vader's crotch. Church then bashed Vader's crotch several more times before abandoing it for his own robot body.

"Man that's guy's body was messed up. I'm just glad he had some semblence of genitals." Church said as he ran towards Han's ship with Doc and Sister right behind him.

"I don't know what happened but shoot those bastards." Vader ordered while holding his aching crotch. He then started cursing in several languages.

As soon as everyone got onboard, the door to the ship closed and it flew out of the station.

To be continued

Preview of next episode

Finally the small astrodroid removed his tool from Lopez's head. As everyone looked on Lopez finally that wasn't in spanish. Trouble was it wasin french and Lopez sounded a little on the gay side.

"Great, instead of sounding like a damn mexican he sounds like a fruity frenchman." Griff said.

(I mean no disrepect to those in the mexican/spanish community nor those in the french community. I apologize if that offended you.)


End file.
